As a wife, mom and Relationship Coach, I tend to read extensively in order to be a better me each year. One of the books that I have enjoyed reading is the 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. I strongly believe that each couple should do a deep-dive into this book and apply it as much as possible to their relationship and marriage. As such, I thought I would do a mini-series on how utilizing the Love Languages have brought my husband and I closer.
As you may have read, (or if you have not gotten the opportunity to read yet), the 5 Love Languages, according to Gary Chapman’s best seller are:
- Words of Affirmation.
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
The aim of this post (and the following 4 in this series) will look at my interpretation of and implementation of these Love Languages in my own marriage, as well as results from recommendations I given to clients &/or friends. All rights to the book belongs to the author of course. I’m simply sharing how using the book has been beneficial to me.
It may be the educator in me, but I tend to research the meaning of words in my attempt to fully grasp a concept. Upon looking up a definition for “affirmation”, I found one that aptly defines its meaning. According to Oxford Language’s Online dictionary, ‘affirm‘ means to declare one’s support for; uphold; defend. A second, defined the term as ‘offering someone emotional support or encouragement’. Upon reading Gary Chapman’s book, you also learnt that Words of Affirmation carries with it different dialects or sections. These include (but are certainly not limited to):
a. Encouraging words
b. Kind words
c. Humble words
While I certainly encourage you to read his book for yourself, and to fully understand that it is highly recommended that you know your spouse’s main love language (I have an interesting story to share with you in another post about this), my attempt has been to utilize each of these Love Languages to some degree in my marriage. As such, this is what I have discovered.
My Use of Positive, Affirming Words
The use of encouraging, kind and humble words goes a long way in uplifting your spouse / significant other’s self esteem and confidence. No matter the bravado or self confidence that we exudes, hearing positive affirming words does much to boost our self esteem. The focus here is not on whether this is your spouse’s love language. The focus is on ensuring that your spouse hears something positive from the one who matters most – You! My husband loves investing in colognes that titillates the senses and boggles the mind (big smile on my face here). I often exclaim “Oh my God, you smell so good!” then proceeds to take a deep sniff of him with my hands lingering on his body. It NEVER ceases to put a big smile on his face. Never! Recently he was called into work and sent to do a drug test (random testing is a part of his job). He called me after to regale me with the story of a nurse who exclaimed how well he smelt and wanted to know the name of the cologne. He didn’t respond at first. She later returned to the room and asked again. Stories like these are frequent occurrences, even on his job. Men have even asked his recommendations for colognes. I am not bothered by incidences such as these, because I know this is not new information to him. His wife, me , already emphasized just how wonderful he smells.
In addition to Words of Affirmation, I make it my point of duty to observe changes and to compliment him on them. Did he shave or do a line up on his face? Did he go to the barber? I am quick to give him feedback on his upgraded look and how it appeals to me. Again, this does wonders. No matter how much he tries to downplay what he did, I can always spot an extra swag in his movements when I compliment his appearance.
This takes us to the next item; humble words. Sometimes, it is not what we say, but how we say it. Be humble and be gentle when you speak with your spouse. No one wants to made to feel belittled or disrespected. Next time, try asking instead of telling. “Hey Babes, can you help me with this please?” as opposed to “You should do this or do that!” Your humble words expresses respect and affection to your spouse and will be easier to digest. If you would like a reminder of some simple things you can say, read the image below and incorporate some of those suggestions in your relationship.
I hope you found this article helpful and can incorporate some of the information found within. I’m curious, what are some ways that you have used words of affirmation or positive words in your relationships and what was the outcome to those words. Feel free to share in the comments section. I look forward to reading your responses.
Special note: (online) Collins Dictionary defines boggles as ‘something that is difficult to imagine or understand because it is so amazing, strange or complicated.
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